Silly rabbit.

Do you ever feel like you're the only person in the world that feels a certain sadness about life? That everything you are working for is mundane and lifeless?

I've been feeling this dull, far-off sense of discontent of late. Don't get me wrong; I'm happy. It's something beyond my happiness. It's tied in more with my purpose, my reason for existence. I have not always been happy, truly internally happy.

People say, if you're happy and you know it......you know, that stuff. But the understanding of happiness as I observe it is tied to externals; the circumstantial and is somewhat limited. What if happiness is a conglomeration of your desires, wants, needs, your relationships with others. Our western minimalization of emotions is maddeningly frustrating. I am subject to this as well, as I've often caught myself telling people how they feel and limiting it to a simple emotion (i.e. anger, sadness, happiness).

Maybe the way we feel is a result of all the aforementioned things and our assessment of them and our desired and experienced response. By 'desired and experienced response' I mean the multiple expressions we could possibly have and the one we ultimately express. The expression is not ultimately indicative of how we feel on the inside, but it gives others an inkling to what's going on inside.

Tied along with this, I had a thought the other day, and it scared me to death. I saw myself in light of the things I've wanted to do. I experienced this underlying sense of discontent, as I mentioned before. As if some of the the choices I've made in life, were incongruent with a different version of me.

The me I'm supposed to be.

Destiny is a tricky subject. The idea that you don't get to choose your path is a very uneasy thought for many people. But what if I continually disobey/ignore/berate the voices that tell speak the words of who I'm supposed to be in favor of my own happiness or present circumstances.

I guess what this is hopefully doing is better (or at least more fully) explaining the way I feel right now.

There you go. Confusion Central.

An ordinary Monday

I promise you there will be no tricks in the writing of this blog. No sleight-of-hand. No misleading subject headings.

This really is an ordinary Monday. A boringly unrepentant Monday.

It has been my observation of others that peaks and valleys are an everyday part of life. There are good, and there are bad seasons. They can last for months. They can last for years.

Mine, for some odd reason, seem to come weekly and seem to be highly contingent on my circumstances. As a Christian, I have heard the axiom, "God is in control".

I must be ignorant of God. I had a speaker during my DTS that said they had always seen themselves as "spiritually retarded". No matter how hard they 'listen' and try to identify the 'still, small voice', they are without epiphany.

I feel spiritually retarded. Perhaps I'm being impatient. Perhaps my circumstances dictate a swift answer and I am unwilling to listen because I have already made up my mind.

I struggle massively with the line between God's voice and my own. Between making the choice myself, or following God's choice. It's been said that God has given us intellect, reason, and free will and choice. But where do we end and God begin? Is there a point where this is indistinguishable? Should it be?

Anyways, I could use some prayer friends. I have to start making some decisions about my immediate future. I have already decided to stay here in Montrose for another year. I need a job that will facilitate my current health situation (bad back, minimal sitting, minimal lifting....I know, a lot to ask huh?)

Adios amigos.