Reeling in my sappiness.

Having lived 26 years on this earth, I feel like I'm at a point where I can look back on life with a sense of nostalgia. When you're late teens/early twenties, it's hard to justify nostalgia....in most cases, it just happened to you. But now that I'm seeing the 90s generation turning 18, I feel I'm due up for some nostalgia.

Mainly because the aforementioned fact makes me feel old and like reliving my youth.

I was hanging out with my friend Emily, she was busy getting me some old music (keep in mind, she's 8 years my junior and listens to the likes of Bob Dylan and The Flying Burrito Brothers - of Gram Parsons fame). To act as a sound filler for our hangings out, she put on an old recorded TV version on VHS of (scrawled in pencil on the side, to avoid confusion) Alice in Wonderland (Real people).

What happened next lit up my brain and emotions like none other. The movie was absolutely horrid from a writing standpoint and Alice's awkward emoting; but I was captured again as a 10 year old watching this in Mr. Hageman's 5th Grade class, studying raptly the part of the March Hare, of whose part I was to perform in front of an audience of parents. It immediately brought back the nervousness and awkwardness (and along with that the reminder that this performance was my first in front of ANYONE).

I may not be doing a good job explaining how this all made me feel, as my emotions are hard to tag, but know this:

I feel a rebirthing coming.

A lesson in Nostalgia.

A friend says to me after a long dinner this weekend, 'Haven't seen much of your blog lately'. So I say, 'Yeah, just haven't been checking it, only update it when I'm on it...'

So at the most-likely unintentional request of my friend, I am posting on here and you will see that the page is updated - all spankin' brand new.

On to the bloggery....

I have a monthly subscription to WIRED magazine. They stay up on all the important things in life, like the contents of Nair and a year in the life of Santa and his elves. This is all information that anyone needs, plus - as noted - things one doesn't need....

But in the January issue, there is the aforementioned Nair article, plus one on a subject that everyone has experienced but wouldn't recognize the name of it if told to them.

Solastalgia. Its taken from the words solacium (comfort) and algia (pain). Wired states is in "conjuring the word nostalgia". It's basically a calling back to something from our past. Only in this case, it has to do with something that we already have. It would be much like standing in the middle of an Amazon jungle, knowing that in 10 years it would be gone. A sort of pre-emptive feeling of absence in loss.

As I mentioned, this can apply to anything in ones life. Everyone feels it at some point, but like myself, it has never been defined. The environment, health, school and church. Any part of your life is affected by it. This may be a generalization, but if you search your life you will no doubt find something to relate with.

For me, it happened tonight at my parent's church's Christmas Eve service. It was this feeling of loss. Mind you, I have been experiencing this for the better part of my high school and college years, but tonight it had a certain palpable tone to it.

The pastor continued to use phrases like, "You know what I mean?" and "Don't the words just jump off the page?". Phrases that evoke little mutual understanding. He was talking about the story of Jesus. It was full of contrived sentiment that seemed to muddy up the very words of Jesus.

Whatever happened to carols and the story of Bethlehem? At what point did the wonder of Christmas leave? I understand that Jesus became the sacrifice for all and that his life was full of miracles and unconditional love. However, the very story of Jesus' birth to me is full of love and wonder.

Anyways. Church to me has become irrelevant. Whether it be only to me, so be it. But I feel that somehow this is not lost on others. Its this feeling of having lost something that we as humans rightfully deserve to be struck in awe at. This is only one church in the thousands of churches in our world, let alone the World, but it seems to be a trend in other churches I have visited in the States.

I just want something that gets me. Something that strikes at the core of who I am as a person. I deserve to be moved; to be captivated. Give me Jesus. That's all.

-nate-