A search for truth in a world that doesn't want to find it.

Truth is one of the most elusive creatures in our day and age. During our parents and grandparents age, things were accepted as they are. Then the 60s happened, and a new cultural revolution took place. There was an influx of Buddhism, Hinduism, early New Age religion and a burst in thought and revelation beyond anything we could have ever imagined: We were allowed to think for ourselves.

What came about as a result of this new movement is what we now refer to as Postmodernism. There is no absolute truth, and in a religious stance, there is no One way to God.

I discovered today, that in my beliefs as a Christian, this man believes I'm wrong. The man in the video is calm, cool and collected. He tells us that religion is only for people that are born with it and know nothing else (Plato's Cave Allegory) or they only fall upon it on hard times.

He makes a good point, and is revealing the very thing that makes us human: sin. He, without his knowledge, is acknowledging the existence of the God to help in time of need and a source of comfort. In a world inundated with postmodern ideas, he is allowed to believe something like the benevolent existence of a God that cares and yet complete deny it, and completely ignore the basic facts he is discussing.

This paradox is the crux of postmodernity. We can stare truth raptly in the eyes and confidently deny it because we can. Nobody wants to be subject to anything where their basic right to choose is taken from them.

This is a fallacy that people who refuse religion of any kind 'choose' to believe. Athiesm,Agnosticism; any faith that denies or belabors the existence of a Deity are refusing to believe that there is anything beyond this life. Yes, the two aforementioned dogmas I referred to as "faith".

Faith is defined as "Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing" according to the American Heritage Dictionary. Anytime you deny, accept or simply straddle the fence, is an acceptance of faith. You believe that your beliefs and ideas are there for you to believe and that yours is the ultimate.

There are people, I'm sure, who believe that Christianity is a hoax, perpetuated by time and ignorance. I have heard it before. I believe that the opposite of the spectrum are just as likely to be subject to the same issues. These two dogmas - not the only two that believe in such a way - but make claims of absolutism. The problem with humans is that we will believe whatever we want at whatever cost, even if it means death.

I am by no means a biblical scholar. But there is a story about a man named Lazarus. Many have heard it, I'm sure. Lazarus died, as well as a rich man. The rich man, who was in hell, spoke to Abraham, with whom next to him sat Lazarus. The rich man said to Abraham,

Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father's house, for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment."

After Abraham mentions Moses and the Prophets, the rich man continues,

"No, father Abraham, but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent."

To which Abraham responds:

"If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead".

This is one of the biggest truths in the bible that is a response to postmodernism. Even given the facts, men are not wont to believe in God. The truth has been given to us, we have to listen. We want something more.

I know that truth lies within the life of Jesus Christ. I believe he is the answer to many of the earth's problems. Small and big alike, absolute truth lies within the bounds of the Bible. The only way to eternal life is through God by way of his son's sacrifice on the Cross.

I will end with a quote by C.S. Lewis that I love and typifies my thoughts on God.

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.

A man with many hats.....

Sometimes I feel like I have many hats, but not in the "i'm doing a lot right now and have much to give" way. More in a "as I look back at my life, I have so many things that have led me to where I am now" way.

Like my college years, I spent my time exploring what kind of a person I was going to become. What I was going to 'be' when I grew up. I started out as a guitar performance major, dabbled in a little pre-nursing and finally settled on psychology after a short stint in social work study.

And now, post-undergrad, I find myself exploring again. Only this time, I am on a micro-exploration phase. In the course of 8 months I have changed my possible careers 5 times. 3 of them are still potentially on the table.

With this many hats, how weird must I look? Never been much for fashion though, so at least I have that going for me. :-)

Restless Slot Syndrome

I was watching The Biggest Loser last night with my mom, which I will say is actually quite inspiring. With my current back problems weight loss is job one. So it was awesome to see the relief and triumph on the faces of people losing a plethora of poundage.

Yet, this is not about weight loss, as appealing as it could be...... During a commercial break an advert for a new prescription drug for people with a condition known as Restless Leg Syndrome aired. (I would just as soon as call this ADD of the extremeties, but I apparently have a few friends that have this problem, so I will remain silent with my critique of RLS.)

Anyone is anyone that has a TV has seen drug companies touting their newest panacea of delight; the narrator rattles off a list of possible side effects of the drug. They included the usual; high blood pressure, muscle fatigue and don't take if you're taking nitrate-blah-blah-blahs.

Something at the end of his list promptly attracted my attention and induced me in a small fit of laughter that caught my mother off guard: GAMBLING.

Not only are drug companies making us feel better, they are indeed making us richer.

Prettiness.

I don't claim to understand at a basic level songs written by female songwriters about issues of relationships and the emotions and thoughts that accompany every stage of a relationship. However, I do love it when a woman can articulate those things well.

Case in point: Rosie Thomas. Listen to her. She might change your life.

Video games can be educational.

Whether you know it about me or not, I am into video games. Like the majority of men and an increasing portion of women in America, I enjoy sitting in front of a television screen and battling armadas of ridiculously oversized robots (or aliens, depending on your preference) with out-of-this-world weapons.

One of the games I like to engage in is called Psychonauts. This game can only be described as a "saturday morning cartoon for adults". Much like Pan's Labyrinth was "a fairy tale for adults" (if the comparison is lost, I'm sorry, it's all I've got). Its funny, irreverent and smart all at once. And what's more, it's fun. One of the things that the main character, Rasputin (or Raz for short) gets to do is travel telepathically into the brains of people who are having certain psychological problems. Mind you, pertinent to the game's plot.

In a particular level, you travel into the brain of an out-of-work actress named Gloria, who is wiling away the hours in the back yard of an insane asylum, giving a movie award acceptance speech to an audience consisting mainly of plants and rock in a greenhouse. Its inside her that you see a massively overweight acting critic sitting in the upper seats of an ornate playhouse.

The basic premise of this level is, by using a troupe of hap-hazard, talentless actors/actresses to act out portions of Gloria's life in order to get to the upper levels of the playhouse to take out the critic.

Ok. For those of you who have read this far, I applaud you. There is a point to this.

There is a voice, approximately somewhere in the vicinity of my left inner ear and corpus collossum (thats the inner part of your brain that acts as the bridge between both sides) that ruptures with what seems to be a mixture of sadness, hysterics and uncertainty. This is something, much like my fear of spiders and old houses, that I have dealt with nearly all my post-pubescent life.

Its the voice of that inner movie critic that doesn't like what he sees, and has made it his life's work at questioning every move and motion in my life. It is only through the act of doing, as well as not doing. Especially in the "not doing". I get into the realm of could-have-been and should-have-been.

I resolve to end this jibba jabba. I have before me a life that is full of opportunity and discoveries. I resolve to listen to only those voices that bring encouragement and praise. I resolve to take the negative voices as constructive criticism. I resolve to grow up. I resolve to take my responsibilities seriously. I resolve to work hard, regardless of my current mood.

Now that wasn't totally pointless.

Fighting off a cold and Overweight Midwestern Coaches

I sit here in what is the 3rd room i have moved into in my parents house since moving back from Salem in June. Tonight I'm feeling particularly tired. It's a combination of the muscle relaxants, my lower back pain, and the onset of what seems to be one of those nasty, sore-type colds. Maybe its the flu. I don't know. All I know is that the soreness in my back is exacerbated by the chills and soreness this cold is bringing on.

The Kansas Jayhawks beat the Virginia Tech Hokies 24-21 in a screamer of a match. I say screamer, because nearly the whole time my father was yelling things like "COME ON KANSAS!!!! MOVE THE BALL!!!" and "YOU CAN'T WIN GAMES PLAYING LIKE THAT!!!!" (mind you I was right there with him yelling. Gotta support the Big 12). You have to understand something about my dad. He is an avid sports fan. Especially college and pro football. When he comes home from a long day at work, he grabs a beer, plops himself on the couch and heads immediately for ESPN, ESPN2 and any other sports channel that is in existence. Hockey and soccer, two sports I find more stimulating, he doesn't particularly like to watch. So no NHL Center Ice or ESPN Shootout on our Dish Network.

But tonight was especially.....special. My Aunt Steph and Uncle Darrell from California flew in for an early celebration of my birthday (they leave on the 7th.... :( but i get strawberry cheesecake. its all good) and some quality time with my parents. (I really wish I had a picture of them to show you, my friends. They are two of the coolest people i know.)

My aunt and I made incriminating remarks about the Kansas Jayhawks coach's weight. When he would make a strained, thinking gesture with his face, Aunt Steph would insert something like...."Hmmmm.....I think I'll order a bucket of wings after the game" and I would immediately mean, the guy looks like a bunch of stacked up oversized tires for a Cadillac Escalade and then placed an oversized jumper suit on said stack (that might have been too much.....).

I love my aunt and uncle. They are fantastic. They are the expected visitor you still pretend to be unexpected. It's great. Here's to getting over that cold too. :)

Sometimes I Wanna Be The Car Crash, Not Always Just a Traffic Jam......

L.G. Fuad by Motion City Soundtrack

Let's get f***** up and die
I'm speaking figuratively of course
Like the last time I committed suicide...
Social suicide
Yeah so I'm already dead on the inside
But I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs
I have learn to love the lie

I wanna know what its like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know what feels like to be useful and pertinent and have common sense, yeah.
Let me in, let me in to the club cause I wanna belong
And I need to get strong
And if memory serves I'm addicted to words and they're useless.

(In this department)
Let's get f***** up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode.
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
On the inside but I have learned to accept
All my problems and shortcomings
Cause I'm so visceral, and deeply inept.

I wanna be a part of you forget-me-nots and marigolds.
And all the things that don't get old;
Is it legal to do this, I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learn to accept myself through other people's descriptions of life...
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless....

(In this department)
Let's get f***** up and die.
For the last time with feeling we'll try hard not to smile.
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights that still shock and surprise.
I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end.
But I chose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.

Sister soldier
You’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame
If I could ever repay you,
I would, but I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initiative.

God damn the liquor store's closed,
we were so close to scoring
it hurts, it destroys 'til it kills..
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.
(In this department)

-----------------------------------

For those of you who have lasted this long, I thank you. This song, however crude and invasive the lyrics may seem, they describe the last 8 hours of my life.

It is the last song on a mix CD I created this last summer in California before driving back to Colorado after my DTS in Salem, OR. I have had this CD in my car all day today, and the song feels appropriate, given my evening's events. With the New Year freshly arrived, I wanted to take this blog to bring these lyrics into perspective.

Without being overly revealing for the sake of modesty, I will say that this song represents the beginning of 2008. It's a song that describes how the absurdity with which one can pursue the things that hurt. The hormones that take over and the vices that can rule a person's life. Drinking, sex, approval; each of these things I have pursued in the last 8 hours.

Its funny that God can reach a person however He wants to. Whether its through a revealing self-consciousness masked in the pursuit of sexual satisfaction or drinking oneself into a stupor for that affirmation and acceptance from others. Humility and reality invade whether it be through an attempt of a benevolent God's protection or a statistical improbability.

I ask that you don't condemn me or abhor the things I talk about. Everyone falls. To what degree is irrelevant. For it is not in the things that I have done that bring glory, but what happens despite my dumb choices. I just hope that God still loves me and that my liver is still working come tomorrow morning. Because I need it to digest fats and such.

Thank you God for redemption and your protection. Without it, I probably would decide to have die.

Here's to 2008. A New Year.