I'm not alone in this world.

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In related news - Jesus was an Extrovert? 

Who knew?

A trip back in time

One of the great things about growing up in the eighties, we had awesome books as a kid. Some of my favorites (in no particular order) are as follows:

1) 

2)

 

3)

4)

 

And the great thing is; two of these have been made into big screen movies that come out this year, Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs and Where The Wild Things Are. I went to the 3D version of Monsters Versus Aliens this last weekend and saw previews for both of them. 

My heart welled up with nostalgia. I was grinning like I was 6 again and replaying the stories in my mind as if I were reading them again for the first time. Schucks. I's getting tears in my eyes.

Transient

The last few weeks I've been thinking about...well...lots of things.

1)Church
2)God
3)Job change
4)The Wife Hunt *
5)Dots (of course)
6)My physical health and well-being
7)The importance of showering
8)If moving out of my parent's house was a good move.

All of these things I have been concerned about. Did I make a right move here? Could have I spent more time saving money? Is my health directly connected to my stress level? Are Dots really worthy of being on a list of things heavy on my heart?

I don't really know. All I know, is that for me, they all point at something within me. It is an intense desire to be the best person I can (Damn it Joel Osteen. Ruined the whole franchise of golden-tongued cliches. And maybe not so much the Dots).

I have been attending church all of my life. I have been encouraged to do more within the church; that there is always something to do within the church. I have sat through roughly (i even did some rough math on this one) 1400 sermons in my life. Each of them pointing towards God. Promising (or not) that God will be the answer to all my problems, I am left with a single problem.

My problems are still there.

I've been learning that my life is not a tightly wrapped, deliciously sweet piece of Dubble Bubble. The answers and the things that we want to be are wrapped up in a cacophony of my thoughts, her thoughts, his thoughts, their actions, his actions, my actions, God's thoughts, history, culture, guilt and so much more.

Cut right through it, I've heard it said. God is all you need. My pastor asked a question to me that I constantly pore over:

Is Jesus all I need?

This question will lead me to where I need to go in this life. And that's another thing.

Not making this life about the next one.

==============================

*Not a Reality TV show

Crazy tunnels.

I think I may have found an explanation for Bipolar disorder here and here.

I'm just sayin'.

Shackles and a reversal.

I'm tired of writing words about the profound and new
There's nothing I could tell you about the world that would make your brows spur
I heard a kid say the other day that he's found a way to be
Without pretense and innocence yet maintain their state.
I thought to myself this must be a dream 'an imitation please?'
Then I sat myself right down in that chair and remembered......

It was me that spoke those words to a man twice my age
I told him he was unfair to think that there's nothing new about this place.
I've seen the world in all its glory at my tender young age
But then he showed me something that was beautiful and tame.
I said what is this thing you have and why hasn't the world seen?
He said because fear makes a man grow cold and his disbelief his safety.

And is there freedom in the shackles?
Is there life if all I have to give is it?
And do I need to be alone to give it all away?


And the man he told me "Hey, it's not a simple feat"
To turn around and let it be a lifestyle one craves.
It's a habit of making the unnatural a rehearsed natural state.
This thing is not a hobby, craze or passing phase
It'll take everything away from you, leave you broken and abused
But I can promise you there's nothing more that I want than to hear it sayed

You've done something beautiful, you changed your set ways
Yet it was not of your own doing, it was parleyed for you in chains.
For in this unnatural state you found a way to be
Completely overwhelmingly, a new created state
For all the things you've suffered in the words of my name
I'll give you a crown of glory and a place next to me.

So I take the chains quite happily for without them I suppose
I'd want to take my life within my hands and make it end in haste.
You took my life from me, in a way I couldn't see.
It scared me dearly actually and brought me to my knees.
But in this loss I found a needful thing
A new lease on life and piece of happy.

Three weddings and my funeral.

I have been to 3 weddings this summer. I have seen my younger brother married off, a friend from college and later today, a cousin. And at each of them I have slowly been growing more unhappy with my un-marriedness.

I have had friends and family both have noted the fact that marriage is a lot of work; it's not all kisses and smiles.

I get that.

I have had relationships in my past where the last thing I want to do is love the person standing in front of me. I have been so in love with a person to where I thought I could have stood in front of a bullet for them.

I get it. It's work. It's pain. It's sacrifice. It's compromise. But most importantly, it's love. In all its hideous beauty.

Perhaps I just want someone to be with. Yet, I don't. I want someone to wake up to every morning. Someone who loves me for me, but desires me to become something more. A person with whom I can share my highest highs and my lowest lows.

All that crap.

Aggravate.

So, I attempted to put an update in video format on here a few days ago, but ended up....well, not doing it. Turns out that my webcam (that's right. i can't afford a video camera) speeds up the video in its finished format, but the audio stayed the same. So you would have been getting about 5 minutes of seeing me speak and 7 minutes of me speaking.....

I'll figure this thing out yet. I think for the purposes of just getting it up, I will post audio in the next few days. For those of you who actually read this.

Thank you and good night.