Delaytion of the inevateeblay.

Hey. I'm back in Montrose. I got here last Thursday. Of the things I done, (which in this town, are many) I still haven't managed to get enough sleep. Outside in my parents barren back yard, full of trenches and PVC pipe, I have a sprinkler system awaiting my finishing. I am not doing it now. 'Why you ask?' I don't know.

Perhaps my sensibilities have got the best of me and I finally realized that yard work is overrated.

And that I recently became allergic to dirt.

I went to see Evan Almighty with the Nelps, Laura, and her and Jack's kids. It was an excellent movie. It was little cheesy at the end. I won't give away the ending, but let's just say that the ark is not what it seems...

I haven't the slightest idea if people read this, but if you are in the Montrose area, comment me on myspace or here and let me know if you want to hang out.

My days are packed.

-nate-

Discombobulated.

I started out my day driving to Sacramento; starting the drive home. It was steady, slow traffic all the way there. But I had my 6 disc CD changer in my car, so I was good for a good portion of the day....but.

I had no idea that there was a toll bridge in Sacramento. (It should also be noted that I almost never carry cash in my wallet). So I look on my directions and there was a part in them about a toll bridge.

Crap. I don't carry cash.

So I grab my wallet, crashing across three lanes at the toll booth to get to the exit I need to. So I look in my wallet. *phew* I have a dollar.

I arrive at the toll booth and my heart drops. Frick. The toll is 4 dollars.

I ended up getting a 'ticket'. They're going to send it to me in the mail. Which actually means that the old owner will get the ticket. Oops.

The traffic was....busy. I was ready to get out of there and have some more space. I ended up in Lake Tahoe and after that, I got my wish.

But it was for over 350 miles. I had no idea that Highway 50 from Lake Tahoe is aptly named the "Loniest Highway in America".

I've had 5 hours of sleep in the last two days and I drove for 12 hours today, thus the lameness and the disjointedness.....

Have a good night.

Where's my complementary foresight?

I'm struggling to articulate exactly what it is that I want to say right now. This is by no means rare, but it is still aggravating when it happens.

I have a little less than a week until I head home to Montrose. I need a job, a car and direction in life. When I ended my DTS, the leaders failed to mention how much it sucks when you finish, that completion of it doesn't mean you are automatically granted omniscience.

However uncomfortable this makes me feel, I want to know that what I'm doing is what I'm supposed to be doing. I have the entire summer to figure out the fall, but what about now?

So. If anyone has a car they are looking at selling, a job opportunity and the ability to see into the future and live in the Western Slope area of Colorado, give me a call.

-nate-

A simple Sunday morning.

Sitting in a hotel room in Portland, OR, sipping on lukewarm English Breakfast tea I am consumed with a feeling of longing and loss.

Paradoxically beautiful, both of these things. Maybe it's the tea. I need a microwave.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions about what I might be talking about, I just want to say that no one has died. A time in my life has been left behind. The feelings I described at the beginning don't seem to articulate this burning in my gut. It's mixed feelings of anticipation, anxiety, a sense of worthiness and ineffectiveness.

Confused yet?

I am.

This disorientation seems to be a result of the last 5 months of my life. I have been prompted from some of the deepest places of my heart (often in ways that I never imagined myself feeling). I'm seeking a good word to describe what it is, the best I have is probably an antonym for tainted.

I feel a bit like Neo in The Matrix. "A bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole." I have no idea what this new life that I have chosen is going to bring me, but I still want more than anything to stay on it.

There is a subtle, reluctance to be the man that I know that I'm supposed to be. The person that has been revealed to me to be.

I suppose it's not really all that bad.

My body feels a little jittery.

One cup of tea should do.

a few writings

Here are a couple of writings that I've done recently. Comment on them as you may. The first was written on the way home, and the second one was written after reflecting on Ephesians 4:22-24.

On Returning…

Flying over this broad water
My love sits somewhere beyond it
Somewhere throughout it.

Paralyzed by the impending
Captivated by the occurring
Growing from the passed time.

Can I hold you in my arms
So delicate, so safe?
I want you to be close, as I feel.

I feel this distance
It eats holes through space
Seeming to be filled slowly

This is nothing of your doing
You…simply…can’t.
Perhaps time will tell?

Where I did last hold
Be aware of it
Knowing nothing of where we might be

Despite the thought of loss
I am consumed by another…
Maybe I’m not the one in control?

A Study in Gerontology

Melting my obscenities
Obliterating this stone
That has replaced my heart
Not done by my own force
I cannot contain that kind of power

The external forces my internal
To laugh
To be comfortable

With my own sickness

But not to remain
Change is only happened by this:
The knowledge that I have to put me off
Despite him being gone…

To the little things in life.

Sitting here in cold, drab Salem, my thoughts can't help but drift back to Thailand.

It's actually warm there. It's nearly the middle of June and it's still in the 60s (Fahrenheit). I was thinking on the plane-ride home, it's going to be nice to have an extra 2 months of summer....

Even with the sun out in Portland, I felt as if I was going to need a jacket with the arrival of the evening. When we all finally arrived in Salem, my hopes improved; it was warm and sunny.

Then Sunday morning came around. It was colder than a Minnesota December (figuratively; not quite sure how that works, but it's what I've got.....). I didn't want to get out of bed, even with my paper thin bed sheet over me. I wanted to maintain what little vestige of warmth that I had. So I jump out of my bed (nearly hitting my head on the bunk above me), grab my towel, and made a run for my underwear cubby in the army-like barracks that we are staying in here at the base in Salem and headed for the shower.

I arrive in the shower and the first burst of what can best be referred to as "maddening" invades my space. After the initial, aggravating shot of Antarctica to my chest, I feel a warmth come over me.

Even as the sun begins to rise, the cold is making its last stand at 8:30 in the morning; and frankly, it's a little angry for having to leave.

Thankfully there's still 2 months of summer left.

-nate-

my alarm clock misses me.

So. I woke up this morning at 5:30. No alarm. Go jet lag.

Woot.

-nate-

A Short Dissertation on Returning Home

This is an act so seemingly innocuous as to often be taken with a certain amount of anxiety. Call it experience or smart planning, I have been known to arrive back home from some time overseas and get the old stone-faced, disinterested look. Those who have spent time for extended periods of time and weren't parching the hell out of their skin will attest to this: People simply do not care what 'God does in your life".

A generalization you might say. Whether or not this statement is universally true, I have discovered that people's interest in vicarious missions is somewhere around a marginal 1%.

So with that said, I am reluctant to return home and face all my friends, family and co-workers.

I spent a few hours walking around the YWAM Bangkok base, reflecting on my time over the last two months. What I came out with was a looming feeling of depression. It seemed to arise from thoughts of leaving. Leaving something behind that you have invested in; actually invested in. This is something completely new to me.

Yeah, I went to college, graduated. Haven't seen a payoff from that yet. This DTS has exposed me in the error of my ways and shown me how incredibly self-centered and materially driven the majority of America is. This caused everyone on our team to turn towards the people and give the only thing we knew how to give --- love.

So back to the walk.

I realized as I was walking through the night market, with impressive force, that I was going to have a BIG decision to make. The decision that I've heard countless people who have spent time on a DTS or even in short term missions voice. The slow, calculated choice to stagnate, rot and die (spiritually) or respond to the knowledge to which you have been exposed. One of our speakers during the 5th week of my lecture phase said "Man is responsible to the amount of light that he knows".

If an unsaved person suddenly realizes his need for God and does not do something about it; he is, in a sense, sinning against himself and God. His lack of a relationship with Christ is evidence of this anyways; but this is a completely different subject matter for a different blog.

So much like the unsaved man, my responsibility lies in what I know.

The proof of the pudding will be in the tasting, as they say.