A simple Sunday morning.

Sitting in a hotel room in Portland, OR, sipping on lukewarm English Breakfast tea I am consumed with a feeling of longing and loss.

Paradoxically beautiful, both of these things. Maybe it's the tea. I need a microwave.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions about what I might be talking about, I just want to say that no one has died. A time in my life has been left behind. The feelings I described at the beginning don't seem to articulate this burning in my gut. It's mixed feelings of anticipation, anxiety, a sense of worthiness and ineffectiveness.

Confused yet?

I am.

This disorientation seems to be a result of the last 5 months of my life. I have been prompted from some of the deepest places of my heart (often in ways that I never imagined myself feeling). I'm seeking a good word to describe what it is, the best I have is probably an antonym for tainted.

I feel a bit like Neo in The Matrix. "A bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole." I have no idea what this new life that I have chosen is going to bring me, but I still want more than anything to stay on it.

There is a subtle, reluctance to be the man that I know that I'm supposed to be. The person that has been revealed to me to be.

I suppose it's not really all that bad.

My body feels a little jittery.

One cup of tea should do.