Whether you know it about me or not, I am into video games. Like the majority of men and an increasing portion of women in America, I enjoy sitting in front of a television screen and battling armadas of ridiculously oversized robots (or aliens, depending on your preference) with out-of-this-world weapons.
One of the games I like to engage in is called Psychonauts. This game can only be descri
In a particular level, you travel into the brain of an out-of-work actress named Gloria, who is wiling away the hours in the back yard of an insane asylum, giving a movie award acceptance speech to an audience consisting mainly of plants and rock in a greenhouse. Its inside her that you see a massively overweight acting critic sitting in the upper seats of an ornate playhouse.
The basic premise of this level is, by using a troupe of hap-hazard, talentless actors/actresses to act out portions of Gloria's life in order to get to the upper levels of the playhouse to take out the critic.
Ok. For those of you who have read this far, I applaud you. There is a point to this.
There is a voice, approximately somewhere in the vicinity of my left inner ear and corpus collossum (thats the inner part of your brain that acts as the bridge between both sides) that rupture
Its the voice of that inner movie critic that doesn't like what he sees, and has made it his life's work at questioning every move and motion in my life. It is only through the act of doing, as well as not doing. Especially in the "not doing". I get into the realm of could-have-been and should-have-been.
I resolve to end this jibba jabba. I have before me a life that is full of opportunity and discoveries. I resolve to listen to only those voices that bring encouragement and praise. I resolve to take the negative voices as constructive criticism. I resolve to grow up. I resolve to take my responsibilities seriously. I resolve to work hard, regardless of my current mood.
Now that wasn't totally pointless.
I sit here in what is the 3rd room i have moved into in my parents house since moving back from Salem in June. Tonight I'm feeling particularly tired. It's a combination of the muscle relaxants, my lower back pain, and the onset of what seems to be one of those nasty, sore-type colds. Maybe its the flu. I don't know. All I know is that the soreness in my back is exacerbated by the chills and soreness this cold is bringing on.
The Kansas Jayhawks beat the Virginia Tech Hokies 24-21 in a screamer of a match. I say screamer, because nearly the whole time my father was yelling things like "COME ON KANSAS!!!! MOVE THE BALL!!!" and "YOU CAN'T WIN GAMES PLAYING LIKE THAT!!!!" (mind you I was right there with him yelling. Gotta support the Big 12). You have to understand something about my dad. He is an avid sports fan. Especially college and pro football. When he comes home from a long day at work, he grabs a beer, plops himself on the couch and heads immediately for ESPN, ESPN2 and any other sports channel that is in existence. Hockey and soccer, two sports I find more stimulating, he doesn't particularly like to watch. So no NHL Center Ice or ESPN Shootout on our Dish Network.
But tonight was especially.....special. My Aunt Steph and Uncle Darrell from California flew in for an early celebration of my birthday (they leave on the 7th.... :( but i get strawberry cheesecake. its all good) and some quality time with my parents. (I really wish I had a picture of them to show you, my friends. They are two of the coolest people i know.)
My aunt and I made incriminating remarks about the Kansas Jayhawks coach's weight. When he would make a strained, thinking gesture with his face, Aunt Steph would insert something like...."Hmmmm.....I think I'll order a bucket of wings after the game" and I would immediately mean, the guy looks like a bunch of stacked up oversized tires for a Cadillac Escalade and then placed an oversized jumper suit on said stack (that might have been too much.....).
I love my aunt and uncle. They are fantastic. They are the expected visitor you still pretend to be unexpected. It's great. Here's to getting over that cold too. :)
One of the key aspects of any relationship is communication. Without it, obviously there is no relationship. One could attempt to fall in love with someone, or become friends with them through their facial expressions and the subtleties of their non-verbal communication, but one would want to hear their thoughts. So we begin using words. They have meaning, insomuch as the listener has the same lingo, lexicon and language as you. You begin forming thoughts based on what you know about other humans, social behavior and from past relationships and previously known persons habits. You have questions you ask that are safe and easy. "Where were you born?" and "What is your favorite food?"
You can begin to form a persons personality based on the meanings behind their answer choices. From here you get into the wonderful world of risk-taking in relationships.
You ask questions like "What are your thoughts on the War in Iraq?" and "Is abortion a woman's choice?". These are harder, but get more at the core of who the person is. You can have this conversation with anyone. Male or female.
There are conversations that people have that are only with the opposite sex with whom you want to pursue a serious, intimate relationship with. However, in my short term of experience within relationship building with the opposite sex, there is one conversation that one needs approach with delicacy, tact and maturity: Sex.
Unless both parties have an understanding based on trust and time experienced, you are often treading into uncomfortable, risky conversation. And again, in my experience, I am often one that asks these things. And I tend to do something that makes me feel so incredibly vulnerable and silly afterwards.
I make assumptions.
Assumption is a tricky thing. It says, "I know what you are thinking because you are thinking the same thing I am". It's selfish right?
Absolutely.
Sometimes it can benefit you. A friend says to you that they are thinking about moving to another town. So you tell them, do you need a roommate or help moving out to where you are going? You are preempting them, so as to save the other from saying it themselves. Thinking in the same vein as the other. Saves time.
Thrifty, you might say.
But then there are those times when you are so incredibly off, that it effects a relationship in an unforeseen way. You make a guess-timation, if you will, about something very private and personal. You guess wrong, and you have shattered certain expectations and norms of normal, sane people's conversation.
You go into the realm of the weird, boundless world of uncomfortability. You somehow have to maneuver a rift that has been created. It may be simple in theory. But in its application you are left with a gaping hole of awkwardness and a slew of explanations.
There is a simple cure I think, but is not as easy to employ as I thought. Being of the male persuasion, I tend to think 1) very visually and 2)literally and 3)every six seconds. I need not go into detail as to what is going on in my head, use your imagination.
But it gets me in trouble. So many times. I think I'm going to take up chastity. Maybe the Catholic church has some openings.
Today was another beautiful day in my Colorado paradise. Montrose is a modest town situated in Southwest corner of the Centennial State. Those who have lived here leave because they hate it and those who leave seem to always come back. One of those towns. I sadly consider myself one of those people.Not in a 'woe is me, send me a sympathy hug' way.
For myself, Montrose became a place of awkward transitions. My first kiss happened here. I discovered the opposite sex more readily during my awkward teenage years. I would even venture to say that those years still haven't passed.... My mom and dad up and moved our family in 2000 to the hot vestige of Australia and East Timor for 6 months of my Junior year of high school. Then there was the coming back into America and getting back into school.
Most of the girls I have dated are from this town. I left home for the first time from here.
And now, with one month to go and several hours of work ahead of me, I am looking toward my next awkward transition in what I like to call "College: Round II: The Retry". I will be moving my sorry butt and all my personal possessions in my 1997 White Honda Civic, which I refer to as "Curly" (when shifting down into first gear, it makes the same 'WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP' sound of the Stooge bearing the name) to Portland, OR. My dad will be tagging along behind in his pickup with our family's enclosed trailer with all my furniture. It's going to be a gas.
But to make this story short, as I know I could make it longer; I am again in a place where I feel like I am relearning how to live. In December 2006, I graduated with a Bachelor's in Counselling Psychology. To my credit, I worked nearly 2 years in a field related to the degree I was pursuing. However, after spending the final two months working with 12-19 year old boys in a youth home this summer in a program that I found difficult, pro-workers, anti-youth, I decided to pursue other career opportunities. Plus I was just burnt out on psychology.
So in March of 2008, I will be pursuing a second Bachelor's degree in Information Systems Security at ITT in Portland, OR. Its a career that I am excited to pursue. It seems to be something that I am more apt at than psychology. Its interesting and lucrative as a career and plenty of room to move.
Now, I just need to find an apartment, possible roommate(s), a job and a new lease on life (so cliche.....).
A friend says to me after a long dinner this weekend, 'Haven't seen much of your blog lately'. So I say, 'Yeah, just haven't been checking it, only update it when I'm on it...'
So at the most-likely unintentional request of my friend, I am posting on here and you will see that the page is updated - all spankin' brand new.
On to the bloggery....
I have a monthly subscription to WIRED magazine. They stay up on all the important things in life, like the contents of Nair and a year in the life of Santa and his elves. This is all information that anyone needs, plus - as noted - things one doesn't need....
But in the January issue, there is the aforementioned Nair article, plus one on a subject that everyone has experienced but wouldn't recognize the name of it if told to them.
Solastalgia. Its taken from the words solacium (comfort) and algia (pain). Wired states is in "conjuring the word nostalgia". It's basically a calling back to something from our past. Only in this case, it has to do with something that we already have. It would be much like standing in the middle of an Amazon jungle, knowing that in 10 years it would be gone. A sort of pre-emptive feeling of absence in loss.
As I mentioned, this can apply to anything in ones life. Everyone feels it at some point, but like myself, it has never been defined. The environment, health, school and church. Any part of your life is affected by it. This may be a generalization, but if you search your life you will no doubt find something to relate with.
For me, it happened tonight at my parent's church's Christmas Eve service. It was this feeling of loss. Mind you, I have been experiencing this for the better part of my high school and college years, but tonight it had a certain palpable tone to it.
The pastor continued to use phrases like, "You know what I mean?" and "Don't the words just jump off the page?". Phrases that evoke little mutual understanding. He was talking about the story of Jesus. It was full of contrived sentiment that seemed to muddy up the very words of Jesus.
Whatever happened to carols and the story of Bethlehem? At what point did the wonder of Christmas leave? I understand that Jesus became the sacrifice for all and that his life was full of miracles and unconditional love. However, the very story of Jesus' birth to me is full of love and wonder.
Anyways. Church to me has become irrelevant. Whether it be only to me, so be it. But I feel that somehow this is not lost on others. Its this feeling of having lost something that we as humans rightfully deserve to be struck in awe at. This is only one church in the thousands of churches in our world, let alone the World, but it seems to be a trend in other churches I have visited in the States.
I just want something that gets me. Something that strikes at the core of who I am as a person. I deserve to be moved; to be captivated. Give me Jesus. That's all.
-nate-
