Crazy tunnels.

I think I may have found an explanation for Bipolar disorder here and here.

I'm just sayin'.

Shackles and a reversal.

I'm tired of writing words about the profound and new
There's nothing I could tell you about the world that would make your brows spur
I heard a kid say the other day that he's found a way to be
Without pretense and innocence yet maintain their state.
I thought to myself this must be a dream 'an imitation please?'
Then I sat myself right down in that chair and remembered......

It was me that spoke those words to a man twice my age
I told him he was unfair to think that there's nothing new about this place.
I've seen the world in all its glory at my tender young age
But then he showed me something that was beautiful and tame.
I said what is this thing you have and why hasn't the world seen?
He said because fear makes a man grow cold and his disbelief his safety.

And is there freedom in the shackles?
Is there life if all I have to give is it?
And do I need to be alone to give it all away?


And the man he told me "Hey, it's not a simple feat"
To turn around and let it be a lifestyle one craves.
It's a habit of making the unnatural a rehearsed natural state.
This thing is not a hobby, craze or passing phase
It'll take everything away from you, leave you broken and abused
But I can promise you there's nothing more that I want than to hear it sayed

You've done something beautiful, you changed your set ways
Yet it was not of your own doing, it was parleyed for you in chains.
For in this unnatural state you found a way to be
Completely overwhelmingly, a new created state
For all the things you've suffered in the words of my name
I'll give you a crown of glory and a place next to me.

So I take the chains quite happily for without them I suppose
I'd want to take my life within my hands and make it end in haste.
You took my life from me, in a way I couldn't see.
It scared me dearly actually and brought me to my knees.
But in this loss I found a needful thing
A new lease on life and piece of happy.

Three weddings and my funeral.

I have been to 3 weddings this summer. I have seen my younger brother married off, a friend from college and later today, a cousin. And at each of them I have slowly been growing more unhappy with my un-marriedness.

I have had friends and family both have noted the fact that marriage is a lot of work; it's not all kisses and smiles.

I get that.

I have had relationships in my past where the last thing I want to do is love the person standing in front of me. I have been so in love with a person to where I thought I could have stood in front of a bullet for them.

I get it. It's work. It's pain. It's sacrifice. It's compromise. But most importantly, it's love. In all its hideous beauty.

Perhaps I just want someone to be with. Yet, I don't. I want someone to wake up to every morning. Someone who loves me for me, but desires me to become something more. A person with whom I can share my highest highs and my lowest lows.

All that crap.

Aggravate.

So, I attempted to put an update in video format on here a few days ago, but ended up....well, not doing it. Turns out that my webcam (that's right. i can't afford a video camera) speeds up the video in its finished format, but the audio stayed the same. So you would have been getting about 5 minutes of seeing me speak and 7 minutes of me speaking.....

I'll figure this thing out yet. I think for the purposes of just getting it up, I will post audio in the next few days. For those of you who actually read this.

Thank you and good night.

A hoot.

I said in my previous post that I was hanging out with my brother, and we watched a movie. Said movie was named 'The Ice Pirates'. If you ever get the chance, go to a pawn shop or back alley video store and buy/rent - I recommend buying - The Ice Pirates. It's about the world where it's only prized commodity is Ice and the bad guys (The Templars) have total control over it. Bands of Ice Pirates, led by Robert Ulrich(80s actor...odd thing about this guy, I remember seeing him, but it was never anything I could rememeber), rise up to do what they do naturally; steal and pillage circa the 23rd century by way of 1984. Hilariousness and cheese abound.

It also has Ron Perlman (plays Hellboy, here in one of his first movie roles, whose character is strong, machismo Pirate by day, effeminate, seasoned cook by night), a really awkward and almost non-sequitur love scene (two words, Passion. Storm. Nuff said.), and Bruce Vilanch (this guy):


It was a hoot indeed.

Tally ho!!!

So last night I drove to Ridgway. About 20 miles from Montrose. It's a short jaunt. I drove there to visit my brother and his newly betrothed wife, Annie. Annie was at work for most of the evening, so Justin and I had dinner and watched a movie. It was good and different seeing him.

It's weird seeing my brother in this new light. I realize nothing has changed, save for the ring on his finger. I can't begin to fathom what it must be like to have a person in your life nearly 24/7, but it's an adjustment for family too. I have a sister. My little bro doesn't live in the same house anymore. He has a new place of his own (which is actually a first for him anyways) and a new life to boot.

I am so proud and happy for my new brother and sister-in-law. They look so happy together and have been even before the marriage. They are the kind of couple you root for. They are the ones you know are going to last. And I know Justin. He's not a quitter. Stubborn as the day he was born, the last thing he would allow is an ending to his marriage. Annie is the same as well, only sweeter and less rough around the edges.

Here's to a new life Justin and Annie.

Identity.

One of the issues a blogger deals with is their identity. Just like a tweener arriving at the age of 13, we have to begin to form what and who we are going to display to the world. In my 9000th attempt at a blog, I am encountering this issue.

Am I going to be fun? Contemplative? Whimsical? Goofy? Boring?

All of these words, plus a googleplex more I think through.

Any ideas?

Just kidding. This here in itself is an attempt at internet-image formulation. Feeling people out (if you actually read this, comments appreciated).

I imagine I look a bit like this:
So with time, effort, energy and persistence, I hope to look a little more along the lines of a charmingly handsome, funny, chiseled abs, quarterback for a notable football team.

Wow. I need help.

Thoughts on Retiring.

You ever wonder what it would take to be truly happy?

In my mind, this can only go one of three ways:

1)Yes.
2)No.
3)Only on the weekends.

Addendum: "Ask me in five minutes".

Yet I wonder, should it 'take' anything to make us happy? Truly? Should it occur naturally, or do we create our own happiness? Is our ultimate glee wrapped up in a force beyond our control or is it consumed by what's going on on the inside?

I have a friend in my life right now that believes heavily in the force of karma. This person and I have had many a conversation about this. I think that everything happens for a reason and that their ultimate happiness is wrapped up in its positive return.

This friend believes one must do good. I agree fully, I say. But how can doing something simply because they feel it will make them a better person not simply translate into selfishness?

I have a few people in my life like this. They believe they can get to the end of their life on "good behavior" and then let it be it. No life after, no continuation. No fellowship.

Fellowship and friendship is the way we know there is a God. To what good end would having friends and family and then to be somehow nothing or separated from these people after our death?

I want to know that at the end of my life, that I will see people like my Grandpa Cummings and my Uncle Doug.

Not some black nothing and a fake gold Rolex.

The world is small.

Many of my friends who are in missions full-time or were at some point will agree with this statement:

Missions makes the world smaller.

Obviously it doesn't make the world physically smaller. Come on. Christians would pretty much have a corner on physics if this were true.

I'm talking about how the distance between people is so infinitesimally critical when you are a missionary. Even having been apart from missions for over a year, I still manage to run into people with whom we have a mutual friend, family-member, or person who taught in a school we were in.

Take this person for example:



My fellow Salem Winter DTSers know this person. SHE WAS IN MY HOUSE TONIGHT!!!! She's marrying a good friend of my brothers. My family has been good friends with his family for about 10 years now and we know them primarily through YWAM.

I got to talk to her about what's happened in the time since we last saw each other, what she and her soon-to-be husband are planning on doing, and what's become of the other people that our DTS worked with while in Kampong Cham, Cambodia.

It's true, missions does make the world smaller. Just do a DTS, wait some inordinate amount of time. You will run into someone you met after being separated by distance and time.

Just watch.

Endless possibilities.

I have to do this one quick, as I have work in 30 minutes.

I went camping with my family this weekend, and during one of my conversations with my parents, the subject of what both of us are going to be doing came up. My parents are in the process of selling their house in order to go work with Kathy Carlson. She runs an orphanage for girls rescued from prostitution. It has been a dream of mother to work overseas since 1985. My dad has been following the dream with my mom since 1999. It has been an amazing story of obedience and change that perhaps I'll tell if you ask.

They will be doing a year-long language school, where soon after they will be placed in a ministry in Latin America.

But there is a snag: the house hasn't had any promising buyers. My parents know that the selling of their house will be in God's timing, as their isn't much that they can do beyond praying and advertising the selling of their house.

So my parents will be living in Montrose for as long as it takes to sell the house. Which my parents continue to supply their offer to let me live in the house.

So with that, I will be continuing to save up money to pay off my college student loans (18K+, donations accepted! ;-) ) in order that I may pursue the next phase of my life.

Which at this point, is narrowed down to these three possibilities:
1)Grad school, Youth Pastor
2)Grad school, Marriage and Family Counselor
3)YWAM Staffer

These three items are by no means static and are subject to almost definite change, but this is where I feel God leading me. I have about another year to pray and search God for my next step after June of next year. I really do have a plethora of opportunities. These three choices alone afford me the ability to travel to new places and meet new people. And I'm excited to see which materializes.

And yes, I just used the word plethora.

Podunk.

Creativity.

I hear many friends talking about it. Several of my friends thrive on it and rely on it to get them through the day. For a smaller group of them, they rely on it for a meal ticket.

It is becoming something that I also feel I need to rely on. That I must do the opposite of stagnate. Living in a town such as Montrose, it admittedly becomes a burden. Small towns are life suckers for some people.

And I have no idea why.

I think that certain people may need to leave their small town. I'm just simply pointing out a truth about living in this town. But there are some of those that I graduated from high school with that live here and live happy lives. The majority of them live happier lives than those that have left.

Or at least they are more at peace with their choice to stay.

I have friends that have an allergic psychological reaction when they come here. They freak out and start talking about buying things and leaving the minute they arrive. They feel a certain presence. As if their arrival here signals some sort of change in the atmosphere and they began to feel the need to turn their car around and leave for fear of their life.

This may be a perfectly natural reaction to a life that is carried out in a big city. Big city dwellers often feel like 'there is nothing to do in this town'. It lacks cultural stimulation. I have heard people say this town has no identity. It's a nice place to pass through.

But I propose, it is hardly the above listed things.

This town is a place where life happens. It may not be packaged in a way that is typical, normal or neat, but it is alive. This town is growing and the people that don't like it are the ones that are helping to make it. Families thrive here. The future of our country may rest on the shoulders of those who are discovering the universe in a small town in Southwestern Colorado.

There are no insignificant people. To say that would be selling ourselves and others short.

Adieu.

A lazy Thursday night.

A friend who has since left Montrose asked me a few days ago "You're not going to be lingering in Montrose too long are you?". Those words were interesting to me, and the individual knows this, as my effectiveness should not be seen as moreso simply because I don't live in a city of millions. I have left Montrose on two occasions since I left here in 2001 for a life on my own. And each of those homecomings have been bittersweet.

I have on one hand the loss of friends; many of them have moved away from here and on with their lives. Either that, or they have started a life of their own with a spouse and a few kids to boot.

On the second hand I have learned much about myself, about the world around me that helps me to live a life that is content; independent of my location. I am also surrounded by family and a new heap of friends, from all walks of life. I am so grateful for the many people in my life right now.

There's a saying, many people have heard it I'm sure cheesily quoted in a movie (which the name escapes me right now......) -

- Wherever you go; there you are.

Now I don't know if my context is right (I think this is about two people always being together even when they are apart), but it applies in principle. I am where I need to be. There are no coincidences in this life. It is full of purpose and meaning. I gain purpose in working a job that , to some, might be a dead-end. I gain purpose in sitting in a room full of screaming, antsy teenagers. I gain purpose in putting off my education for a time. I gain humility in living with one's parents at 25 that it most assuredly brings. Humility, brokenness, honesty and love. They each are learned in the previously listed circumstances and through my encounter with each new day.

I say this because I am not in control of my life. My life rests in a place that should be obvious. If not, I apologize for being too vague for you.

Idea for a song?

Someone has to wonder
What happened to my brother
On a desert somewhere far away.

He's taken his time
Finding a home thats alright
Know he doesn't belong where he be.

Now he's broken his shine
Sold himself for a dime
Never wondering if what he is might need change.

And I know that you don't
Want to know how you are
I can see it in your absent stare
Yet I can't help but think
In that simple, slow blink
That you might have found a way out yet.

You are a scream
A metaphorical queen
'A anthem unto herself' the people sing.

Yet she's fooled herself
An imitation of wealth
For a fool thinks and does in their heart.

So she took a vow
To not be who they are
A woman left alone by the world
Should I run that way
For fear of an axe so small?
She don't know enough of love to persist.

Shove your love out the door
Though your aching and sore
Absent minded of the one you adore.

Manufactured in grace
This life you take you can make
An improvement if you just turn around

I love you my friend
But with your heart un-amend
You might find your lonely again

Look! Up in the sky, is that the Savior?!

I'm 95% certain that no-one reads this blog. But alas, I persist.

A thought struck me today I was going through my Google Reader. I subscribe to a blog called Paleofuture. It is a compilation of bygone eras and their respective perspectives on the future. I read this nearly daily. Mainly because it shows me how deluded we are as a species. The things we believe. Yet, in light of this, being a human myself, gives me pause to where we are going in our modern world.

In today's post, a tiny town in Michigan called Escanaba printed an article in 1980 about The Second Coming of Christ. They utilized the opinion of the Rev. Billy Graham from a 1950s excerpt. I won't belabor you with the details; you can read it yourself, but there was something in it that struck my attention.

The Rev. Graham states an idiom in Christianity (paraphrased from Matthew 24:6-7) that goes like this "There will be wars and rumors of wars. Keep your head about you." Basically; Don't Panic. He also states that the "return of the Jews to their homeland" will be a tell-all sign.

All that to say this:

"Why do we limit God?"

Is it our responsibility to worry about peace in Israel? The Israelis and the Palestinans obviously care. And we care because it serves our personal agenda at world domination. Yet, the "End Times" as its so weakly called (and defined) may never occur. Jesus promises to return. We have that as a promise.

Shouldn't that be all we need?

An Ode to the Spherical, Size 5 Ball

For those who read this and read my self-antiquated Myspace blog, will remember a blog a little less than two years ago. I talked about one of the greatest sporting events on the face of this planet. People in the U.S. get excited about the NASCAR Cup, the Super Bowl and the World Series. Not me. I get my sports rocks off for the FIFA World Cup, which is taking place in South Africa in 2010.

It comes around ever four years. A year when all the world focuses on one country for one month and watches the nations meet in an event a la Clash of the Titans. Although the majority of people in our 'great' country pass it off when it comes around, it is one of the world's greatest gathering of athletes (in my opinion).

Even now, with a few months over 2 years until the next occurrence of this event, excitement is overflowing in me. I went to the FIFA World Cup 2010 website, and lo and behold, they have the MATCH SCHEDULE UP!! Mind you, the teams haven't been picked yet, they are still in qualifying matches. I nearly pooed my pants from excitement.

I can't wait until June 2010 when the major networks will be shooting images of the modern greats into my home. Barthez. Ballack. Ronahdinho. Donovan. Adu. Zidane. And yes, even those freaking Italians that make my blood boil.

These people and the teams they play for make this event the worldwide phenomenon it is. Now I have to go buy a German national team jersey. I'm just so excited.

Easy as riding a bike.

Teenagers are an enigma. Their responses can range from mind-numbing ignorance to the immensely profound in a matter of seconds. Yet the ignorance that I see in the kids is complicated by my own ironic ignorance.

In the youth group at my church, we asked the kids to write down questions about life....anything they could think of. 98% of them were so deep they pulled at my soul. Did I think this deep when I was this age?

I'd like to think I did as a teen, but I remember being consumed with girls, video games and the fact that my facial hair looked awesome most of the time.



The urgency for an answer these kid's questions demanded were painful. Questions about God, interfaith relationships, the modern interpretation of the Book of Revelation and even the deceptively simple "Is Obama a Christian?". In each of their questions, I felt their urgency for an answer. Yet, at this age there is so much they haven't experienced. Our answers would mostly be a lot of pat answers and what seems like dodging the 'tough' answer.

Teens thinking is not fully concrete yet. They struggle with the dichotomy that being a teen presents. You are stuck in this No Man's Land between child's play and adulthood. How do you give a teen a sufficient answer without sacrificing the integrity of what you know?

Life is not cut and dry. Nor are answers to these questions got with any measure of ease.

The vehicle that my words are traveling is in need of gas.

I call this one, "Soul, two inches to the left."

Everyone sees movies, but everyone has that one film that makes them want to discuss it until they're blue in the face.

This is not one of those films. This film I am still processing, nearly an hour after coming out. My friends were asking each other, "Did you like it?" It's safe to say, my answer was fairly neutral to my friends.

I don't know how I feel about it yet. It may take me months and a few more views to fully grasp the gravity of its subject matter.

So it's safe to say, if you want a good movie to go to and be simultaneously confused, delighted and...... well, confused about, go see There Will Be Blood.

If you do go see it, take some time, cogitate. Then find a friend who has seen it (like me) and talk about it. I want help understanding it and to grapple with the subject matter. To bounce some ideas off of someone about it.

I like bouncing.

Somebody.....please explain.

I’m sure some of you have seen this, even if you don’t spend more than a few spare minutes. It’s one of those annoying ads that sits at the top of every myspace page. You get the fun little games, the silly ones like the one I saw a few moments ago, this is what it said:

Heaven or Hell?

What?

Silly irony.

Macs. You love to hate them. They are so pretty and seamless, yet they are a bloody headache when you are a long-time Windows user.

My mom just recently purchased a MacBook. It’s been in our house for less than 24 hours, and I want to punch a hole through it. It’s supposed to be easy, but easy for whom?

Possibly for someone with zero knowledge about computers and no routine built around a Windows environment. My mom has voiced the difficulty she has learning the Mac environment coming from a Windows environment as well. She has never used a Mac for more than a few spare hours. In our current society where technology is so prevalent, my parent's generation hasn't grown up with computers like mine has. So naturally she comes to me with the computer questions.

I told her, "Just be patient, it takes time to learn a new computer system".

Lord knows I need to heed my own words. I know Macs are useful. Hundreds of thousands of people own them, possibly even millions. But less than a day in and I already want to tell my mom to just send it back in and get a Dell.

An ordinary Monday

I promise you there will be no tricks in the writing of this blog. No sleight-of-hand. No misleading subject headings.

This really is an ordinary Monday. A boringly unrepentant Monday.

It has been my observation of others that peaks and valleys are an everyday part of life. There are good, and there are bad seasons. They can last for months. They can last for years.

Mine, for some odd reason, seem to come weekly and seem to be highly contingent on my circumstances. As a Christian, I have heard the axiom, "God is in control".

I must be ignorant of God. I had a speaker during my DTS that said they had always seen themselves as "spiritually retarded". No matter how hard they 'listen' and try to identify the 'still, small voice', they are without epiphany.

I feel spiritually retarded. Perhaps I'm being impatient. Perhaps my circumstances dictate a swift answer and I am unwilling to listen because I have already made up my mind.

I struggle massively with the line between God's voice and my own. Between making the choice myself, or following God's choice. It's been said that God has given us intellect, reason, and free will and choice. But where do we end and God begin? Is there a point where this is indistinguishable? Should it be?

Anyways, I could use some prayer friends. I have to start making some decisions about my immediate future. I have already decided to stay here in Montrose for another year. I need a job that will facilitate my current health situation (bad back, minimal sitting, minimal lifting....I know, a lot to ask huh?)

Adios amigos.

In the recesses of my dreams.

Ever had Patrick Swayze sing "In the Light" by DC Talk to you? I have. It was a piece of celebrity memorabila. And what’s worse, he was smoking. You have cancer. NO! Shame on you Mr. Swayze.

Oh and I’d like to thank the sperm whale for splashing copious amounts of sea water, covering my hometown and for the guy that kept exposing himself and yelling "ALPHA MALE!!!!!"

Only in dreams, eh?

Colonoscopies....yum!

In my line of work, I see lots of people’s insides via a few sheets of color photos. Anything that moves fluids from one place to another and is below the layers of epidermis and viscera, I’ve seen it. One of the parts of one’s insides I see much of every day is the lower digestive tract. Specifically, the large intestine and colon - The Colonoscopy....ick, right? Why is he wasting a blog on talking about people’s pooper scoopers?

I have seen literally thousands of these procedures. Granted, I don’t get to see the procedure itself, but the exploratory results of one. They made me very uncomfortable and queasy at first, I expected the paper with the pictures to actually smell acrid and offensive. But alas, it was just paper. (I apologize for the vulagarity of this...there is a point. Bear with me.)

And in my non-professional, uneducated opinion, I have learned one immutable truth from this:

We are all the same on the inside!

I have heard people much older and wiser than myself say this very thing. I was thinking about the truth in this statement though. What makes us think that we are so special? We all bleed the same, break the same and expire with time.

So that got me thinking about how humans pang for individuality. As Westerners, we seem to whine about it. Like it’s our birthright or something. I think it’s simply from boredom that we are creating and re-creating things. I’m not saying that creating is bad, but it’s the mentality that underlies the ’creation’ that is telling.

A story I heard on the radio yesterday talked about how teenagers today are starting to wear bandanas. One of the ladies that called in to the show, who was an administrator at the middle school she worked at, said to the kid "I wore those things when I was your age, and they need to stay in that time period".

Solomon the writer of Ecclesiastes in verse 1:9 says "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." Which got me thinking about the story of the teenager wearing the bandana. Why did he wear the bandana thinking it was "starting a new thing"?

If this is something that has been done before, why is labeling it "new". This may be the ignorance of a teenager (many of whom believe they are the best thing since they put peanut butter and jelly in the same jar).

Someone at 80 is typically more advanced in common knowledge about the world, than someone who is 40, than someone who is 25, than someone who is 16. We discover some new epiphany about the world that someone else before us has discovered, and someone before them did. In my illustration, it is the new discovery of something as trivial as bandanas. It’s them trying out their world.

But it is when we are revealed that the ’new thing’ is nothing special that we are then able to appreciate it for what it is. All like babies we are, daily learning something new about our world.

Here’s to today.

The Cry of the Proletariate

Today, we sit on the helm of a fantastic time in life. It's when the worries of the weeks simply melt and dissipate into a sea of ambiguity. Where how many reports I scanned are evicerated into nothing. Where gossip only matter to those who care.

It's a time that blends so smoothly that you almost forget that you actually have responsibility. It makes one feel proud of the job they have done. People have been known to go crazy, lose their minds, even take their own lives waiting for it. Managers battle against it, the common worker pangs for it and productivity bows in subservience to it.

What am I talking about?

I'm talking about Friday, ya'll.

I mean, it's something to look forward to, isn't it?

A search for truth in a world that doesn't want to find it.

Truth is one of the most elusive creatures in our day and age. During our parents and grandparents age, things were accepted as they are. Then the 60s happened, and a new cultural revolution took place. There was an influx of Buddhism, Hinduism, early New Age religion and a burst in thought and revelation beyond anything we could have ever imagined: We were allowed to think for ourselves.

What came about as a result of this new movement is what we now refer to as Postmodernism. There is no absolute truth, and in a religious stance, there is no One way to God.

I discovered today, that in my beliefs as a Christian, this man believes I'm wrong. The man in the video is calm, cool and collected. He tells us that religion is only for people that are born with it and know nothing else (Plato's Cave Allegory) or they only fall upon it on hard times.

He makes a good point, and is revealing the very thing that makes us human: sin. He, without his knowledge, is acknowledging the existence of the God to help in time of need and a source of comfort. In a world inundated with postmodern ideas, he is allowed to believe something like the benevolent existence of a God that cares and yet complete deny it, and completely ignore the basic facts he is discussing.

This paradox is the crux of postmodernity. We can stare truth raptly in the eyes and confidently deny it because we can. Nobody wants to be subject to anything where their basic right to choose is taken from them.

This is a fallacy that people who refuse religion of any kind 'choose' to believe. Athiesm,Agnosticism; any faith that denies or belabors the existence of a Deity are refusing to believe that there is anything beyond this life. Yes, the two aforementioned dogmas I referred to as "faith".

Faith is defined as "Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing" according to the American Heritage Dictionary. Anytime you deny, accept or simply straddle the fence, is an acceptance of faith. You believe that your beliefs and ideas are there for you to believe and that yours is the ultimate.

There are people, I'm sure, who believe that Christianity is a hoax, perpetuated by time and ignorance. I have heard it before. I believe that the opposite of the spectrum are just as likely to be subject to the same issues. These two dogmas - not the only two that believe in such a way - but make claims of absolutism. The problem with humans is that we will believe whatever we want at whatever cost, even if it means death.

I am by no means a biblical scholar. But there is a story about a man named Lazarus. Many have heard it, I'm sure. Lazarus died, as well as a rich man. The rich man, who was in hell, spoke to Abraham, with whom next to him sat Lazarus. The rich man said to Abraham,

Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father's house, for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment."

After Abraham mentions Moses and the Prophets, the rich man continues,

"No, father Abraham, but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent."

To which Abraham responds:

"If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead".

This is one of the biggest truths in the bible that is a response to postmodernism. Even given the facts, men are not wont to believe in God. The truth has been given to us, we have to listen. We want something more.

I know that truth lies within the life of Jesus Christ. I believe he is the answer to many of the earth's problems. Small and big alike, absolute truth lies within the bounds of the Bible. The only way to eternal life is through God by way of his son's sacrifice on the Cross.

I will end with a quote by C.S. Lewis that I love and typifies my thoughts on God.

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.

A man with many hats.....

Sometimes I feel like I have many hats, but not in the "i'm doing a lot right now and have much to give" way. More in a "as I look back at my life, I have so many things that have led me to where I am now" way.

Like my college years, I spent my time exploring what kind of a person I was going to become. What I was going to 'be' when I grew up. I started out as a guitar performance major, dabbled in a little pre-nursing and finally settled on psychology after a short stint in social work study.

And now, post-undergrad, I find myself exploring again. Only this time, I am on a micro-exploration phase. In the course of 8 months I have changed my possible careers 5 times. 3 of them are still potentially on the table.

With this many hats, how weird must I look? Never been much for fashion though, so at least I have that going for me. :-)

Restless Slot Syndrome

I was watching The Biggest Loser last night with my mom, which I will say is actually quite inspiring. With my current back problems weight loss is job one. So it was awesome to see the relief and triumph on the faces of people losing a plethora of poundage.

Yet, this is not about weight loss, as appealing as it could be...... During a commercial break an advert for a new prescription drug for people with a condition known as Restless Leg Syndrome aired. (I would just as soon as call this ADD of the extremeties, but I apparently have a few friends that have this problem, so I will remain silent with my critique of RLS.)

Anyone is anyone that has a TV has seen drug companies touting their newest panacea of delight; the narrator rattles off a list of possible side effects of the drug. They included the usual; high blood pressure, muscle fatigue and don't take if you're taking nitrate-blah-blah-blahs.

Something at the end of his list promptly attracted my attention and induced me in a small fit of laughter that caught my mother off guard: GAMBLING.

Not only are drug companies making us feel better, they are indeed making us richer.

Prettiness.

I don't claim to understand at a basic level songs written by female songwriters about issues of relationships and the emotions and thoughts that accompany every stage of a relationship. However, I do love it when a woman can articulate those things well.

Case in point: Rosie Thomas. Listen to her. She might change your life.

Video games can be educational.

Whether you know it about me or not, I am into video games. Like the majority of men and an increasing portion of women in America, I enjoy sitting in front of a television screen and battling armadas of ridiculously oversized robots (or aliens, depending on your preference) with out-of-this-world weapons.

One of the games I like to engage in is called Psychonauts. This game can only be described as a "saturday morning cartoon for adults". Much like Pan's Labyrinth was "a fairy tale for adults" (if the comparison is lost, I'm sorry, it's all I've got). Its funny, irreverent and smart all at once. And what's more, it's fun. One of the things that the main character, Rasputin (or Raz for short) gets to do is travel telepathically into the brains of people who are having certain psychological problems. Mind you, pertinent to the game's plot.

In a particular level, you travel into the brain of an out-of-work actress named Gloria, who is wiling away the hours in the back yard of an insane asylum, giving a movie award acceptance speech to an audience consisting mainly of plants and rock in a greenhouse. Its inside her that you see a massively overweight acting critic sitting in the upper seats of an ornate playhouse.

The basic premise of this level is, by using a troupe of hap-hazard, talentless actors/actresses to act out portions of Gloria's life in order to get to the upper levels of the playhouse to take out the critic.

Ok. For those of you who have read this far, I applaud you. There is a point to this.

There is a voice, approximately somewhere in the vicinity of my left inner ear and corpus collossum (thats the inner part of your brain that acts as the bridge between both sides) that ruptures with what seems to be a mixture of sadness, hysterics and uncertainty. This is something, much like my fear of spiders and old houses, that I have dealt with nearly all my post-pubescent life.

Its the voice of that inner movie critic that doesn't like what he sees, and has made it his life's work at questioning every move and motion in my life. It is only through the act of doing, as well as not doing. Especially in the "not doing". I get into the realm of could-have-been and should-have-been.

I resolve to end this jibba jabba. I have before me a life that is full of opportunity and discoveries. I resolve to listen to only those voices that bring encouragement and praise. I resolve to take the negative voices as constructive criticism. I resolve to grow up. I resolve to take my responsibilities seriously. I resolve to work hard, regardless of my current mood.

Now that wasn't totally pointless.

Fighting off a cold and Overweight Midwestern Coaches

I sit here in what is the 3rd room i have moved into in my parents house since moving back from Salem in June. Tonight I'm feeling particularly tired. It's a combination of the muscle relaxants, my lower back pain, and the onset of what seems to be one of those nasty, sore-type colds. Maybe its the flu. I don't know. All I know is that the soreness in my back is exacerbated by the chills and soreness this cold is bringing on.

The Kansas Jayhawks beat the Virginia Tech Hokies 24-21 in a screamer of a match. I say screamer, because nearly the whole time my father was yelling things like "COME ON KANSAS!!!! MOVE THE BALL!!!" and "YOU CAN'T WIN GAMES PLAYING LIKE THAT!!!!" (mind you I was right there with him yelling. Gotta support the Big 12). You have to understand something about my dad. He is an avid sports fan. Especially college and pro football. When he comes home from a long day at work, he grabs a beer, plops himself on the couch and heads immediately for ESPN, ESPN2 and any other sports channel that is in existence. Hockey and soccer, two sports I find more stimulating, he doesn't particularly like to watch. So no NHL Center Ice or ESPN Shootout on our Dish Network.

But tonight was especially.....special. My Aunt Steph and Uncle Darrell from California flew in for an early celebration of my birthday (they leave on the 7th.... :( but i get strawberry cheesecake. its all good) and some quality time with my parents. (I really wish I had a picture of them to show you, my friends. They are two of the coolest people i know.)

My aunt and I made incriminating remarks about the Kansas Jayhawks coach's weight. When he would make a strained, thinking gesture with his face, Aunt Steph would insert something like...."Hmmmm.....I think I'll order a bucket of wings after the game" and I would immediately mean, the guy looks like a bunch of stacked up oversized tires for a Cadillac Escalade and then placed an oversized jumper suit on said stack (that might have been too much.....).

I love my aunt and uncle. They are fantastic. They are the expected visitor you still pretend to be unexpected. It's great. Here's to getting over that cold too. :)

Sometimes I Wanna Be The Car Crash, Not Always Just a Traffic Jam......

L.G. Fuad by Motion City Soundtrack

Let's get f***** up and die
I'm speaking figuratively of course
Like the last time I committed suicide...
Social suicide
Yeah so I'm already dead on the inside
But I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs
I have learn to love the lie

I wanna know what its like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know what feels like to be useful and pertinent and have common sense, yeah.
Let me in, let me in to the club cause I wanna belong
And I need to get strong
And if memory serves I'm addicted to words and they're useless.

(In this department)
Let's get f***** up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode.
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
On the inside but I have learned to accept
All my problems and shortcomings
Cause I'm so visceral, and deeply inept.

I wanna be a part of you forget-me-nots and marigolds.
And all the things that don't get old;
Is it legal to do this, I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learn to accept myself through other people's descriptions of life...
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless....

(In this department)
Let's get f***** up and die.
For the last time with feeling we'll try hard not to smile.
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights that still shock and surprise.
I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end.
But I chose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.

Sister soldier
You’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame
If I could ever repay you,
I would, but I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initiative.

God damn the liquor store's closed,
we were so close to scoring
it hurts, it destroys 'til it kills..
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.
(In this department)

-----------------------------------

For those of you who have lasted this long, I thank you. This song, however crude and invasive the lyrics may seem, they describe the last 8 hours of my life.

It is the last song on a mix CD I created this last summer in California before driving back to Colorado after my DTS in Salem, OR. I have had this CD in my car all day today, and the song feels appropriate, given my evening's events. With the New Year freshly arrived, I wanted to take this blog to bring these lyrics into perspective.

Without being overly revealing for the sake of modesty, I will say that this song represents the beginning of 2008. It's a song that describes how the absurdity with which one can pursue the things that hurt. The hormones that take over and the vices that can rule a person's life. Drinking, sex, approval; each of these things I have pursued in the last 8 hours.

Its funny that God can reach a person however He wants to. Whether its through a revealing self-consciousness masked in the pursuit of sexual satisfaction or drinking oneself into a stupor for that affirmation and acceptance from others. Humility and reality invade whether it be through an attempt of a benevolent God's protection or a statistical improbability.

I ask that you don't condemn me or abhor the things I talk about. Everyone falls. To what degree is irrelevant. For it is not in the things that I have done that bring glory, but what happens despite my dumb choices. I just hope that God still loves me and that my liver is still working come tomorrow morning. Because I need it to digest fats and such.

Thank you God for redemption and your protection. Without it, I probably would decide to have die.

Here's to 2008. A New Year.