a cordial greeting

Blind hope, I keep holding on to it
Can you tell me when to let go?
To release this stitch
One last time in order to heal for good

Is it my lack of cool?
The way the words just fall out of my mouth?
I cannot be what it is....
That you want me to replace

I am holding as I said
Yet I can't help but think
This rope is getting frayed
And my patience likewise

The lifeboat's sinking, but I can't seem to find the airhole. Got any gum?

What do you think is more important in life, having something to live for or having something to die for?

Tonight at work I had what I refer to cheekily as "The Moneymaker". Kids threatening to destroy you, rebellion, inappropriateness; not to mention, all from the same kid. The job in which I work has a fairly high employee turnover rate and is a fairly thankless job. I once had a kid tell me that 'you staff don't care about us, all you care about is the money'.

The fact that I don't get paid nearly in kind for the poo I have to put up with, that statement hurts a bit.

I go to work everyday and listen to the kids rail on about how we're stupid and uncaring and essentially the spawn of Satan. The irony of it all is that when I say to the kid, "Do your chore", I'm really trying to give him a skill that he can use for the rest of his life, and is in turn being the object of his own demise and thus, the very thing he is seeking not to be.

And I see this now as the nature of the job. For some reason, and I am developing this ship-shoddily at best; I am not ok with this.

I have come to realize that I am the kind of guy that likes to wear his heart on his sleeve. It's a slow, painful process but it is who I have come to recognize myself as. It hurts when people are mean to me. I can't hide my hurt for too long, otherwise I metaphysically, spiritually implode. It throws my entire life off balance.

Yet the comforting thing about all of this, is that it makes me feel alive. Causes me to ask questions like, if I had all the money in the world, what would I do with it? If working a job was not necessary, what would I do? What's better, living to die or to dying to live?

I think my next order of business is to become the pope.

And I'm not being facetious. I need a change of scenery.

A hope for the future.

I've spent the last 3 days in muggy Nashville, TN. It's much like any other state east of the Rocky Mountains that I've been too: heat like an open oven and humidity you can actually eat.

This isn't about the weather in Nashville though.

Sorry.

I stayed with some old friends from Kansas City that used to live in CO that are from the International House of Prayer. There was also a group here from Montrose (all of them who I have oddly not seen for over 3 years even though they were less than an hour away). All of them I was heavily connected with back in high school. The majority of the people I met through my youth group, are mostly my age (so we're never short on good stories about each other) and all share a passion for God that excites me. 

They carry a good balance between fervent worship and a good joke. I appreciate that about them. And they are super nice. One of the guys in the group is a good 10 years older than me, but every time I see this man, I smile. I also got to see The Berry's (if you ever get a chance to meet this couple, do. awesome couple). Ted gave me a big hug after The Call was over last night (I'll have another blog about the call later). I also met some new friends that I hope to continue with when we get back to CO. 

It was good to see them all.

As I go further along in my life, I realize how much I cherish the friendships that I have made, even when I don't see them for years. It gives me a hope about my life, that I am appreciated and valid to others. In this post-DTS world I live in, experiences like this weekend show me that life continues and that God cares tremendously about us. He wants us to stay connected with the people we love; even more than we do. 

Delaytion of the inevateeblay.

Hey. I'm back in Montrose. I got here last Thursday. Of the things I done, (which in this town, are many) I still haven't managed to get enough sleep. Outside in my parents barren back yard, full of trenches and PVC pipe, I have a sprinkler system awaiting my finishing. I am not doing it now. 'Why you ask?' I don't know.

Perhaps my sensibilities have got the best of me and I finally realized that yard work is overrated.

And that I recently became allergic to dirt.

I went to see Evan Almighty with the Nelps, Laura, and her and Jack's kids. It was an excellent movie. It was little cheesy at the end. I won't give away the ending, but let's just say that the ark is not what it seems...

I haven't the slightest idea if people read this, but if you are in the Montrose area, comment me on myspace or here and let me know if you want to hang out.

My days are packed.

-nate-

Discombobulated.

I started out my day driving to Sacramento; starting the drive home. It was steady, slow traffic all the way there. But I had my 6 disc CD changer in my car, so I was good for a good portion of the day....but.

I had no idea that there was a toll bridge in Sacramento. (It should also be noted that I almost never carry cash in my wallet). So I look on my directions and there was a part in them about a toll bridge.

Crap. I don't carry cash.

So I grab my wallet, crashing across three lanes at the toll booth to get to the exit I need to. So I look in my wallet. *phew* I have a dollar.

I arrive at the toll booth and my heart drops. Frick. The toll is 4 dollars.

I ended up getting a 'ticket'. They're going to send it to me in the mail. Which actually means that the old owner will get the ticket. Oops.

The traffic was....busy. I was ready to get out of there and have some more space. I ended up in Lake Tahoe and after that, I got my wish.

But it was for over 350 miles. I had no idea that Highway 50 from Lake Tahoe is aptly named the "Loniest Highway in America".

I've had 5 hours of sleep in the last two days and I drove for 12 hours today, thus the lameness and the disjointedness.....

Have a good night.

Where's my complementary foresight?

I'm struggling to articulate exactly what it is that I want to say right now. This is by no means rare, but it is still aggravating when it happens.

I have a little less than a week until I head home to Montrose. I need a job, a car and direction in life. When I ended my DTS, the leaders failed to mention how much it sucks when you finish, that completion of it doesn't mean you are automatically granted omniscience.

However uncomfortable this makes me feel, I want to know that what I'm doing is what I'm supposed to be doing. I have the entire summer to figure out the fall, but what about now?

So. If anyone has a car they are looking at selling, a job opportunity and the ability to see into the future and live in the Western Slope area of Colorado, give me a call.

-nate-

A simple Sunday morning.

Sitting in a hotel room in Portland, OR, sipping on lukewarm English Breakfast tea I am consumed with a feeling of longing and loss.

Paradoxically beautiful, both of these things. Maybe it's the tea. I need a microwave.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions about what I might be talking about, I just want to say that no one has died. A time in my life has been left behind. The feelings I described at the beginning don't seem to articulate this burning in my gut. It's mixed feelings of anticipation, anxiety, a sense of worthiness and ineffectiveness.

Confused yet?

I am.

This disorientation seems to be a result of the last 5 months of my life. I have been prompted from some of the deepest places of my heart (often in ways that I never imagined myself feeling). I'm seeking a good word to describe what it is, the best I have is probably an antonym for tainted.

I feel a bit like Neo in The Matrix. "A bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole." I have no idea what this new life that I have chosen is going to bring me, but I still want more than anything to stay on it.

There is a subtle, reluctance to be the man that I know that I'm supposed to be. The person that has been revealed to me to be.

I suppose it's not really all that bad.

My body feels a little jittery.

One cup of tea should do.