(may contain adult situations)

One of the key aspects of any relationship is communication. Without it, obviously there is no relationship. One could attempt to fall in love with someone, or become friends with them through their facial expressions and the subtleties of their non-verbal communication, but one would want to hear their thoughts. So we begin using words. They have meaning, insomuch as the listener has the same lingo, lexicon and language as you. You begin forming thoughts based on what you know about other humans, social behavior and from past relationships and previously known persons habits. You have questions you ask that are safe and easy. "Where were you born?" and "What is your favorite food?"

You can begin to form a persons personality based on the meanings behind their answer choices. From here you get into the wonderful world of risk-taking in relationships.

You ask questions like "What are your thoughts on the War in Iraq?" and "Is abortion a woman's choice?". These are harder, but get more at the core of who the person is. You can have this conversation with anyone. Male or female.

There are conversations that people have that are only with the opposite sex with whom you want to pursue a serious, intimate relationship with. However, in my short term of experience within relationship building with the opposite sex, there is one conversation that one needs approach with delicacy, tact and maturity: Sex.

Unless both parties have an understanding based on trust and time experienced, you are often treading into uncomfortable, risky conversation. And again, in my experience, I am often one that asks these things. And I tend to do something that makes me feel so incredibly vulnerable and silly afterwards.

I make assumptions.

Assumption is a tricky thing. It says, "I know what you are thinking because you are thinking the same thing I am". It's selfish right?

Absolutely.

Sometimes it can benefit you. A friend says to you that they are thinking about moving to another town. So you tell them, do you need a roommate or help moving out to where you are going? You are preempting them, so as to save the other from saying it themselves. Thinking in the same vein as the other. Saves time.

Thrifty, you might say.

But then there are those times when you are so incredibly off, that it effects a relationship in an unforeseen way. You make a guess-timation, if you will, about something very private and personal. You guess wrong, and you have shattered certain expectations and norms of normal, sane people's conversation.

You go into the realm of the weird, boundless world of uncomfortability. You somehow have to maneuver a rift that has been created. It may be simple in theory. But in its application you are left with a gaping hole of awkwardness and a slew of explanations.

There is a simple cure I think, but is not as easy to employ as I thought. Being of the male persuasion, I tend to think 1) very visually and 2)literally and 3)every six seconds. I need not go into detail as to what is going on in my head, use your imagination.

But it gets me in trouble. So many times. I think I'm going to take up chastity. Maybe the Catholic church has some openings.

Tomorrow seems to be an echoing of today...

Today was another beautiful day in my Colorado paradise. Montrose is a modest town situated in Southwest corner of the Centennial State. Those who have lived here leave because they hate it and those who leave seem to always come back. One of those towns. I sadly consider myself one of those people.Not in a 'woe is me, send me a sympathy hug' way.

For myself, Montrose became a place of awkward transitions. My first kiss happened here. I discovered the opposite sex more readily during my awkward teenage years. I would even venture to say that those years still haven't passed.... My mom and dad up and moved our family in 2000 to the hot vestige of Australia and East Timor for 6 months of my Junior year of high school. Then there was the coming back into America and getting back into school.

Most of the girls I have dated are from this town. I left home for the first time from here.

And now, with one month to go and several hours of work ahead of me, I am looking toward my next awkward transition in what I like to call "College: Round II: The Retry". I will be moving my sorry butt and all my personal possessions in my 1997 White Honda Civic, which I refer to as "Curly" (when shifting down into first gear, it makes the same 'WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP' sound of the Stooge bearing the name) to Portland, OR. My dad will be tagging along behind in his pickup with our family's enclosed trailer with all my furniture. It's going to be a gas.

But to make this story short, as I know I could make it longer; I am again in a place where I feel like I am relearning how to live. In December 2006, I graduated with a Bachelor's in Counselling Psychology. To my credit, I worked nearly 2 years in a field related to the degree I was pursuing. However, after spending the final two months working with 12-19 year old boys in a youth home this summer in a program that I found difficult, pro-workers, anti-youth, I decided to pursue other career opportunities. Plus I was just burnt out on psychology.

So in March of 2008, I will be pursuing a second Bachelor's degree in Information Systems Security at ITT in Portland, OR. Its a career that I am excited to pursue. It seems to be something that I am more apt at than psychology. Its interesting and lucrative as a career and plenty of room to move.

Now, I just need to find an apartment, possible roommate(s), a job and a new lease on life (so cliche.....).

A lesson in Nostalgia.

A friend says to me after a long dinner this weekend, 'Haven't seen much of your blog lately'. So I say, 'Yeah, just haven't been checking it, only update it when I'm on it...'

So at the most-likely unintentional request of my friend, I am posting on here and you will see that the page is updated - all spankin' brand new.

On to the bloggery....

I have a monthly subscription to WIRED magazine. They stay up on all the important things in life, like the contents of Nair and a year in the life of Santa and his elves. This is all information that anyone needs, plus - as noted - things one doesn't need....

But in the January issue, there is the aforementioned Nair article, plus one on a subject that everyone has experienced but wouldn't recognize the name of it if told to them.

Solastalgia. Its taken from the words solacium (comfort) and algia (pain). Wired states is in "conjuring the word nostalgia". It's basically a calling back to something from our past. Only in this case, it has to do with something that we already have. It would be much like standing in the middle of an Amazon jungle, knowing that in 10 years it would be gone. A sort of pre-emptive feeling of absence in loss.

As I mentioned, this can apply to anything in ones life. Everyone feels it at some point, but like myself, it has never been defined. The environment, health, school and church. Any part of your life is affected by it. This may be a generalization, but if you search your life you will no doubt find something to relate with.

For me, it happened tonight at my parent's church's Christmas Eve service. It was this feeling of loss. Mind you, I have been experiencing this for the better part of my high school and college years, but tonight it had a certain palpable tone to it.

The pastor continued to use phrases like, "You know what I mean?" and "Don't the words just jump off the page?". Phrases that evoke little mutual understanding. He was talking about the story of Jesus. It was full of contrived sentiment that seemed to muddy up the very words of Jesus.

Whatever happened to carols and the story of Bethlehem? At what point did the wonder of Christmas leave? I understand that Jesus became the sacrifice for all and that his life was full of miracles and unconditional love. However, the very story of Jesus' birth to me is full of love and wonder.

Anyways. Church to me has become irrelevant. Whether it be only to me, so be it. But I feel that somehow this is not lost on others. Its this feeling of having lost something that we as humans rightfully deserve to be struck in awe at. This is only one church in the thousands of churches in our world, let alone the World, but it seems to be a trend in other churches I have visited in the States.

I just want something that gets me. Something that strikes at the core of who I am as a person. I deserve to be moved; to be captivated. Give me Jesus. That's all.

-nate-

My Never-ending Struggle Against Gravity.

Nearly 4 months ago, I was finishing up my time on my DTS outreach in Mae Sot, Thailand. I got into a nearly fatal car wreck/falling off the back of a truck one day while heading to the market with my whole team. I was standing on the tailgate, securing myself with one hand on top of the truck. The other was steadily holding an energy drink. The drive hit a turn much faster than I anticipated and I went flying off the back end of the truck, unaware at first of the fact that I was actually falling. I hit the ground, scratching up the whole left side of my body (you can actually read about this here (it's called "Isaac Newton is a jerk.").

But that's not what this is about. It's about putting pants on and my perpetual fight against the forces of this earth that Newton discovered under an apple tree.

I got up early (5:45) today and went to the gym. I ran on the treadmill for 15 minutes and did a couple of the weight machines (as you can see, my drive to maintain my statuesque figure is HUGE).

Came back home, showered and got all ready to put my pants on after getting the essentials on (boxers, shirt), and then proceded with the Canadian slacks.

My typical routine is to put my right leg in first. But today, I was feeling especially cocky. I went left leg in first.

What happened next is anything but routine. I had this strange sensation. Kind of like the one you get when you watch someone falling or they are dangerously close to a steep, deep cliff. I got a rush of adrenaline that said, "HEY DON'T FALL DUMBASS!!!" So in an attempt to maintain equilibrium, I shot my body the other way, grabbing onto the counter in my bathroom to narrowly escape the clutches of gravity. Lesson learned. Don't change it up for changing it up's sake.

Who knew putting your pants on could make one feel so alive? I sure didn't.

a cordial greeting

Blind hope, I keep holding on to it
Can you tell me when to let go?
To release this stitch
One last time in order to heal for good

Is it my lack of cool?
The way the words just fall out of my mouth?
I cannot be what it is....
That you want me to replace

I am holding as I said
Yet I can't help but think
This rope is getting frayed
And my patience likewise

The lifeboat's sinking, but I can't seem to find the airhole. Got any gum?

What do you think is more important in life, having something to live for or having something to die for?

Tonight at work I had what I refer to cheekily as "The Moneymaker". Kids threatening to destroy you, rebellion, inappropriateness; not to mention, all from the same kid. The job in which I work has a fairly high employee turnover rate and is a fairly thankless job. I once had a kid tell me that 'you staff don't care about us, all you care about is the money'.

The fact that I don't get paid nearly in kind for the poo I have to put up with, that statement hurts a bit.

I go to work everyday and listen to the kids rail on about how we're stupid and uncaring and essentially the spawn of Satan. The irony of it all is that when I say to the kid, "Do your chore", I'm really trying to give him a skill that he can use for the rest of his life, and is in turn being the object of his own demise and thus, the very thing he is seeking not to be.

And I see this now as the nature of the job. For some reason, and I am developing this ship-shoddily at best; I am not ok with this.

I have come to realize that I am the kind of guy that likes to wear his heart on his sleeve. It's a slow, painful process but it is who I have come to recognize myself as. It hurts when people are mean to me. I can't hide my hurt for too long, otherwise I metaphysically, spiritually implode. It throws my entire life off balance.

Yet the comforting thing about all of this, is that it makes me feel alive. Causes me to ask questions like, if I had all the money in the world, what would I do with it? If working a job was not necessary, what would I do? What's better, living to die or to dying to live?

I think my next order of business is to become the pope.

And I'm not being facetious. I need a change of scenery.

A hope for the future.

I've spent the last 3 days in muggy Nashville, TN. It's much like any other state east of the Rocky Mountains that I've been too: heat like an open oven and humidity you can actually eat.

This isn't about the weather in Nashville though.

Sorry.

I stayed with some old friends from Kansas City that used to live in CO that are from the International House of Prayer. There was also a group here from Montrose (all of them who I have oddly not seen for over 3 years even though they were less than an hour away). All of them I was heavily connected with back in high school. The majority of the people I met through my youth group, are mostly my age (so we're never short on good stories about each other) and all share a passion for God that excites me. 

They carry a good balance between fervent worship and a good joke. I appreciate that about them. And they are super nice. One of the guys in the group is a good 10 years older than me, but every time I see this man, I smile. I also got to see The Berry's (if you ever get a chance to meet this couple, do. awesome couple). Ted gave me a big hug after The Call was over last night (I'll have another blog about the call later). I also met some new friends that I hope to continue with when we get back to CO. 

It was good to see them all.

As I go further along in my life, I realize how much I cherish the friendships that I have made, even when I don't see them for years. It gives me a hope about my life, that I am appreciated and valid to others. In this post-DTS world I live in, experiences like this weekend show me that life continues and that God cares tremendously about us. He wants us to stay connected with the people we love; even more than we do. 

Delaytion of the inevateeblay.

Hey. I'm back in Montrose. I got here last Thursday. Of the things I done, (which in this town, are many) I still haven't managed to get enough sleep. Outside in my parents barren back yard, full of trenches and PVC pipe, I have a sprinkler system awaiting my finishing. I am not doing it now. 'Why you ask?' I don't know.

Perhaps my sensibilities have got the best of me and I finally realized that yard work is overrated.

And that I recently became allergic to dirt.

I went to see Evan Almighty with the Nelps, Laura, and her and Jack's kids. It was an excellent movie. It was little cheesy at the end. I won't give away the ending, but let's just say that the ark is not what it seems...

I haven't the slightest idea if people read this, but if you are in the Montrose area, comment me on myspace or here and let me know if you want to hang out.

My days are packed.

-nate-

Discombobulated.

I started out my day driving to Sacramento; starting the drive home. It was steady, slow traffic all the way there. But I had my 6 disc CD changer in my car, so I was good for a good portion of the day....but.

I had no idea that there was a toll bridge in Sacramento. (It should also be noted that I almost never carry cash in my wallet). So I look on my directions and there was a part in them about a toll bridge.

Crap. I don't carry cash.

So I grab my wallet, crashing across three lanes at the toll booth to get to the exit I need to. So I look in my wallet. *phew* I have a dollar.

I arrive at the toll booth and my heart drops. Frick. The toll is 4 dollars.

I ended up getting a 'ticket'. They're going to send it to me in the mail. Which actually means that the old owner will get the ticket. Oops.

The traffic was....busy. I was ready to get out of there and have some more space. I ended up in Lake Tahoe and after that, I got my wish.

But it was for over 350 miles. I had no idea that Highway 50 from Lake Tahoe is aptly named the "Loniest Highway in America".

I've had 5 hours of sleep in the last two days and I drove for 12 hours today, thus the lameness and the disjointedness.....

Have a good night.

Where's my complementary foresight?

I'm struggling to articulate exactly what it is that I want to say right now. This is by no means rare, but it is still aggravating when it happens.

I have a little less than a week until I head home to Montrose. I need a job, a car and direction in life. When I ended my DTS, the leaders failed to mention how much it sucks when you finish, that completion of it doesn't mean you are automatically granted omniscience.

However uncomfortable this makes me feel, I want to know that what I'm doing is what I'm supposed to be doing. I have the entire summer to figure out the fall, but what about now?

So. If anyone has a car they are looking at selling, a job opportunity and the ability to see into the future and live in the Western Slope area of Colorado, give me a call.

-nate-

A simple Sunday morning.

Sitting in a hotel room in Portland, OR, sipping on lukewarm English Breakfast tea I am consumed with a feeling of longing and loss.

Paradoxically beautiful, both of these things. Maybe it's the tea. I need a microwave.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions about what I might be talking about, I just want to say that no one has died. A time in my life has been left behind. The feelings I described at the beginning don't seem to articulate this burning in my gut. It's mixed feelings of anticipation, anxiety, a sense of worthiness and ineffectiveness.

Confused yet?

I am.

This disorientation seems to be a result of the last 5 months of my life. I have been prompted from some of the deepest places of my heart (often in ways that I never imagined myself feeling). I'm seeking a good word to describe what it is, the best I have is probably an antonym for tainted.

I feel a bit like Neo in The Matrix. "A bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole." I have no idea what this new life that I have chosen is going to bring me, but I still want more than anything to stay on it.

There is a subtle, reluctance to be the man that I know that I'm supposed to be. The person that has been revealed to me to be.

I suppose it's not really all that bad.

My body feels a little jittery.

One cup of tea should do.

a few writings

Here are a couple of writings that I've done recently. Comment on them as you may. The first was written on the way home, and the second one was written after reflecting on Ephesians 4:22-24.

On Returning…

Flying over this broad water
My love sits somewhere beyond it
Somewhere throughout it.

Paralyzed by the impending
Captivated by the occurring
Growing from the passed time.

Can I hold you in my arms
So delicate, so safe?
I want you to be close, as I feel.

I feel this distance
It eats holes through space
Seeming to be filled slowly

This is nothing of your doing
You…simply…can’t.
Perhaps time will tell?

Where I did last hold
Be aware of it
Knowing nothing of where we might be

Despite the thought of loss
I am consumed by another…
Maybe I’m not the one in control?

A Study in Gerontology

Melting my obscenities
Obliterating this stone
That has replaced my heart
Not done by my own force
I cannot contain that kind of power

The external forces my internal
To laugh
To be comfortable

With my own sickness

But not to remain
Change is only happened by this:
The knowledge that I have to put me off
Despite him being gone…

To the little things in life.

Sitting here in cold, drab Salem, my thoughts can't help but drift back to Thailand.

It's actually warm there. It's nearly the middle of June and it's still in the 60s (Fahrenheit). I was thinking on the plane-ride home, it's going to be nice to have an extra 2 months of summer....

Even with the sun out in Portland, I felt as if I was going to need a jacket with the arrival of the evening. When we all finally arrived in Salem, my hopes improved; it was warm and sunny.

Then Sunday morning came around. It was colder than a Minnesota December (figuratively; not quite sure how that works, but it's what I've got.....). I didn't want to get out of bed, even with my paper thin bed sheet over me. I wanted to maintain what little vestige of warmth that I had. So I jump out of my bed (nearly hitting my head on the bunk above me), grab my towel, and made a run for my underwear cubby in the army-like barracks that we are staying in here at the base in Salem and headed for the shower.

I arrive in the shower and the first burst of what can best be referred to as "maddening" invades my space. After the initial, aggravating shot of Antarctica to my chest, I feel a warmth come over me.

Even as the sun begins to rise, the cold is making its last stand at 8:30 in the morning; and frankly, it's a little angry for having to leave.

Thankfully there's still 2 months of summer left.

-nate-

my alarm clock misses me.

So. I woke up this morning at 5:30. No alarm. Go jet lag.

Woot.

-nate-

A Short Dissertation on Returning Home

This is an act so seemingly innocuous as to often be taken with a certain amount of anxiety. Call it experience or smart planning, I have been known to arrive back home from some time overseas and get the old stone-faced, disinterested look. Those who have spent time for extended periods of time and weren't parching the hell out of their skin will attest to this: People simply do not care what 'God does in your life".

A generalization you might say. Whether or not this statement is universally true, I have discovered that people's interest in vicarious missions is somewhere around a marginal 1%.

So with that said, I am reluctant to return home and face all my friends, family and co-workers.

I spent a few hours walking around the YWAM Bangkok base, reflecting on my time over the last two months. What I came out with was a looming feeling of depression. It seemed to arise from thoughts of leaving. Leaving something behind that you have invested in; actually invested in. This is something completely new to me.

Yeah, I went to college, graduated. Haven't seen a payoff from that yet. This DTS has exposed me in the error of my ways and shown me how incredibly self-centered and materially driven the majority of America is. This caused everyone on our team to turn towards the people and give the only thing we knew how to give --- love.

So back to the walk.

I realized as I was walking through the night market, with impressive force, that I was going to have a BIG decision to make. The decision that I've heard countless people who have spent time on a DTS or even in short term missions voice. The slow, calculated choice to stagnate, rot and die (spiritually) or respond to the knowledge to which you have been exposed. One of our speakers during the 5th week of my lecture phase said "Man is responsible to the amount of light that he knows".

If an unsaved person suddenly realizes his need for God and does not do something about it; he is, in a sense, sinning against himself and God. His lack of a relationship with Christ is evidence of this anyways; but this is a completely different subject matter for a different blog.

So much like the unsaved man, my responsibility lies in what I know.

The proof of the pudding will be in the tasting, as they say.